How to get out the door with 2 kids in 30 easy steps
(Cue Benny Hill soundtrack)
1. Bounce out of bed at 5:45am to the ‘alarm’ of youngest child screaming for boo boo.
2. Try to trick youngest child into falling back to sleep by sneaking him into your bed for a snuggly breastfeed.
3. Just as you think youngest might actually be nodding back off to sleep, be woken by eldest child poking you in the back with a wooden block.
4. Give up on the dream of going back to sleep and get everyone up.
5. Throw food in the general direction of children. Expect to have it thrown back at you.
6. Make coffee.
7. Chase youngest child around the loungeroom in an attempt to change his nappy and get him dressed. Succeed in removing the nappy but have him slip out of your grasp before you get a fresh one on.
8. Clean up wee from the kitchen floor, hallway and loungeroom rug.
9. Finally succeed in fully dressing youngest child. Place him on floor in front of TV.
10. Chase eldest child around house waving pink leggings and a t-shirt in her general direction. Finally catch her in her bedroom, where she pretends to be asleep and completely ignores you.
11. Dress ‘sleeping’ child, which is akin to stuffing a doona into a too-small doona-cover.
12. Return to lounge room to find youngest child has removed his trousers, although somehow still has his shoes on.
13. Re-heat coffee.
14. Re-dress youngest, scoop eldest child’s hair into a ponytail amidst much screaming and flailing of arms (yours and hers).
15. Realise that you are still in your pyjamas. Quickly get dressed in pre-selected work-appropriate outfit, do 1 minute make-up job and bunch hair into a ‘messy bun’ (as described by Marie Claire).
16. Commence countdown of “we are leaving in 5 minutes”, at least 15 minutes before required departure time.
17. Ensure kindy bags are packed with required changes of clothes, water bottles, hats and nappies, after first removing yesterday’s artwork from bags.
18. Re-heat coffee again. Drink half of it in one gulp. Burn mouth. Swear and pour the remainder down the sink.
19. During a particularly riveting moment of Peppa Pig, sneak out the door and place kindy bags and your handbag into the car.
20. Bring toothbrushes into loungeroom so children can brush teeth in front of TV.
21. Brush your own teeth while ensuring all doors are locked and lights are off in the house.
22. Turn off the TV, chase children out the front door, get eldest child to climb into car while you strap youngest into his carseat.
23. Remove eldest child from the driver’s seat where she has pressed all the buttons and moved your mirror.
24. Run back inside with eldest child who suddenly declares she needs a wee.
25. Rush back outside (leaving eldest child teetering precariously on toilet seat) after realising you’ve left the youngest child strapped in his carseat in the car… with the engine running.
26. Remove youngest child and carry him back inside under your arm in the football hold.
27. Help eldest child wipe bum, pull pants up and wash hands.
28. Lift a child up under each arm and carry them both out into the car, strap them into their carseats and prepare to leave.
29. Get back out of the car and close the front door.
30. Exit the driveway… and don’t look back.
Hooray, you did it!
Next week we’ll discuss how to do the grocery shopping with two children in tow. (Hint: online!!)
Is getting out the door a mission for you? Any hints and tips to share with the group??